After finishing up my education by spending three years at a Christian college, I have a lot to share about my experience being in a Christian bubble for so long. One of the most profound topics of interest at The Master's College was dating and marriage. At TMC, there were a lot of mixed ideas about dating. Some of the students were more relaxed about the concept of dating, and some students, too the extreme, were brought up under the impression that they should not go out with someone unless they were absolutely sure they wanted to marry them.
Here's the problem with that:
We have the practice of dating because we don't do arranged marriages in our culture. So why do we have dating instead of having marriages arranged for us by our parents or by matchmakers? Gee, I don't know, maybe so young adults can get to know each other and find out if they are a good match, before they commit to marriage?
Then you might say "Well, we can get to know each other just as well if we spent time together with other friends, just as friends." To that I say, "So you are going to find out . . .
- all of each other's good and bad habits,
- how you both prefer to handle arguments or what triggers you have which make you angrier in the middle of a conflict,
- your strengths and weaknesses (including the ones you are embarrassed or ashamed of),
- each of your positions on grey areas like alcohol, birth control, home school vs public school, or what kind of music or tv you think is appropriate,
- and each others' deep and personal sins
That would be one awkward and intense mini golf game.
Dating provides the opportunity to learn these things about each other by witnessing it first hand. For example, a person you are interested in can simply say to you "I am never disrespectful towards my family," but the truth is when he or she is at home, he or she can act like a real jerk to his or her family. You actually need to spend time with each other - around your friends, around your families, around strangers, and alone with each other - so you can get to know this person for who he or she really is. And this takes some time.
Let me just define what dating is. In my freshman year of high school (or maybe 8th grade?) my mom started giving me dating advice. What she told me was that dating is like trying on a pair of pants at a store, because you want to know if it's the right fit before you buy it. Since I was young and clueless, I was outraged at the idea of trying on people like you would try on clothes because it sounded really shallow. But that's the truth! You are dating to "try each other on." In other words, you are - and I mean this as a statement - able to go on a date with someone while hardly knowing them. Dating is used to get to know someone. You don't have to wait to start dating someone until after you find out what their background is, or what their career aspirations are, or what their favorite class is, or if they are a morning person or a night owl. You can find that stuff out when you take her out on a casual date over coffee or to the Spring Formal. For the deeper stuff you may want to wait until you get more serious in the relationship. Telling her how many children you are hoping for may be - no - IS too direct for a first date, unless, you know, you both are dying to procreate.
There are also some people - mostly guys (sorry, guys) - who are waiting to make a move on a person of the opposite sex (and by making a move I mean asking them out or at least letting them know you are interested) because they are expecting to find that special someone by love at first sight. Sadly, love at first sight doesn't always happen. And sometimes when it does happen, it's not mutual. I know (and I'm positive you also know) many Christians who have said something along the lines of "I saw him praying or worshipping in church and I immediately fell in love," but as it turns out that the feelings they had for that person were not reciprocated. So don't just make the assumption "if my pastor/parents/siblings/etc. married the first person they fell in love with, then chances are that will happen for me, too."
And also, to everybody who is single, just so you know, praying to God asking for Him to make it super obvious that someone is The One before you make a move, or so you won't have to make a move (ladies), doesn't usually work. Lots of times you just have to go ahead and make a move to let them know you are interested. Don't be afraid if it turns out he or she is or is not interested in you, and if you two actually start dating but don't end up married, it might be a learning experience that God wants you to have, about relationships or about yourself. And I have learned a lot of good things from my past relationships. I learned more of what kind of man I was looking for (and definitely not looking for), and how I could improve myself as a better woman, and how to actually handle a relationship with a man. I'm very thankful for my past relationships if anything for the learning experiences.
Astonished Readers: "Hold up, hold up, Megan! What's that you were saying to the ladies about the move making thing?"
Moi: "I was simply saying to women that praying to God so you can sit pretty and wait for your desired Prince Charming rarely, very rarely, results in the guy you are interested in asking you out."
Astonished Readers: "*Gasp!* Megan, are you suggesting that women should ask men out on dates?"
Moi: "Not necessarily. I just mean that a woman CAN pull a guy aside and tell him she is interested in getting to know him better. But there's biblically nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out either, FYI."
Astonished Readers: "But doesn't that take away his masculinity if he doesn't get to make the first move?"
Moi: "Nope. If the Bible doesn't say a man has to be the one to propose marriage, or that a man has to make the first move towards an intimate relationship with a woman, then it's all by personal preference, not by scripture. And remember that the Bible doesn't cover dating, and not because there shouldn't be dating but because there was no such thing back then. And, please, if the guy isn't the one making the first move, do you really think that automatically makes him the female in the relationship? Whoever makes the first move does not set the tone for who "wears the pants" in the relationship."
So why am I suggesting to women that they should try to tell a guy, or at least drop hints to a guy, that she is interested? For one thing, lots of guys these days are very hesitant and shy. Even though my solution for the guys would be to gain some confidence in yourselves and take a chance, but on the other hand, I have heard TMC guys say that girls don't make it easy for them. And I can understand that. We ladies are told that the harder you play to get the more he will be attracted to you and will want to chase you, yes? But to get the fish to bite you have to throw in a lure first. Know what I'm saying, ladies?
No No NO! DO NOT start flashing your cleavage and sashaying in a mini skirt to a get a guy's attention, geez! You'll get their attention, just not the kind you want. What I mean is, start showing the guy that you exist, because truth is guys can be oblivious. Seriously, you can get all dolled up, but unless you look them in the eyes and smile while asking them to pass the salt, or say hello when you pass by him, or wave at him at a party, or ask to borrow his textbook, or ask him to jump start your car, he may never even know you are alive, let alone interested.
One of my friends from school had asked Dr. Behle, a Professor of Christian Education at TMC, if it was biblically okay or not for a girl to tell a guy that she liked him before he made a move. His answer was that there was no scriptural basis for girls not making the first move. It is really a preference thing. So there you go. Girls can ask guys out or tell them they are interested without defying their biblical femininity and demasculating their Christian brothers.
Also, you do realize that Ruth proposed marriage to Boaz, right? Maybe not in the way that we propose marriage in our culture, but in MacArthur’s Commentary Bible, Google book referenced below, MacArthur states that in chapter 3 Naomi instructed Ruth to propose to Boaz “by utilizing an ancient Near Eastern custom," which she did. So if Ruth can go all the way to propose marriage to a man, would it be so bad if a girl did a little flirting with a guy she liked, maybe even tell him she's interested?
You never know what God is going to do in your life. You have to take a chance and see how God will work it out for you. If it is all in His hands, He will guide the choices you make into what is in His will. For example, if you choose to take a spur of the moment trip somewhere, you just may wind up meeting someone who is in need of spiritual encouragement that you can offer them. You never know what's going to happen, until you try.
Okay, I am a big fan of the comedy show The Big Bang Theory. In a few episodes, the characters talk about taking chances in relationships using the example of Schrodinger's Cat. To explain what I am talking about just watch the clip below (and if somehow the video below won't play, copy and paste this link to view it on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCOE__N6v4o)
References Used:
http://books.google.com/books?id=polW0PX25nkC&pg=PT365&lpg=PT365&dq=ruth+propose+to+boaz+macarthur&source=bl&ots=Wc6ngfecVP&sig=4eJ7A7Wy6OHVfBchr31eVHj-9xY&hl=en&sa=X&ei=9o6ZUue9ItPboASHw4KYBg&ved=0CDQQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=ruth%20propose%20to%20boaz%20macarthur&f=false
No comments:
Post a Comment